I itched the scar on the top of my head thinking about what had happened on that hot afternoon in Arizona...
My whole family trotted to the door but before we could take five steps my uncle and my other relatives greeted us first. I felt really happy being able to see them again and I found that they were too. We walked into their house and as kids the first thing we did was scope out the backyard. As I opened the door to the backyard I felt another wall of heat hit me. But it didn't bother me this time. My eyes had already focused on the big refreshing pool. My brother, sister and I all looked at each other and without saying anything ran to the car to get our bathing suits.
We recklessly put them on in their bathroom and immediately sprinted to the bowl of happiness. Without thinking all three of u sprung into the pool doing cannon balls. A sudden rush of water touched my skin as I hit the surface. It felt like I had just jumped out of a boiling pot of soup into a cup of iced coffee.
We had been enjoying ourselves for only ten minutes when I decided to do a front flip into the pool. With a brick side its probably not so smart. As I flipped through the air I thought to myself did I jump high enough? As I came down I hit my head on the side of the pool. I felt a little bump but to tell you the truth I didn't really feel it. I bet its just a little bump that will go away eventually, I thought to myself. But I found out that I was wrong. I swam to get a noodle to have a war that I was about to challenge my brother in when he says "Uh, Morgan your head is bleeding," he said peering at the top of my head trying to see if he can get a good look.
"Christine, I think Morgan has to go to the emergency room," my dad yelled to my mom while she was in the house preparing drinks for everyone. She came out with the tray and didn't believe what my dad had just said. "Your kidding, right?"
She looked at my nervous face and got me dressed to get ready to go to the emergency room. I got in the car with tears streaming down my face. I wasn't crying because of the pain it was because I was scared. We quickly walked through the automatic sliding doors and into the waiting room. We told the nurse the nurse what had happened a she told us that doctor would arrive in a few minutes.
We sat in one of their uncomfortable chairs and I realized that we were the only ones there. Everyone that worked there looked bored like they had been working all night. My head ached, but the pain was canceled out when the doctor arrived calling my name. I got up slowly as he guided us through the narrow hallway. Their were rooms to the left and right of me and I wondered which one was mine. The young doctor finally opened a door and we all entered the small room. It contained a bed, tools, and a sink. I was told to lay down on the uncomfortable cot so he could rug some numbing gel on the large cut in my head. "I will be back in a few minutes with the staple gun", he said trying to sound like it was no big deal, but it was!
"Chick-ca." I bit by limp squeezing onto my moms hand as if I was hanging on to my life. The first staple had entered into my head. It felt like metal had just pierced my brain! I held back my tears but before I could rebound from the last one... "Chick-ca." the second one hit me like a rocket. This time tears rolled down my cheeks as I grimaced in pain. The third one didn't seem to hurt as bad because my head must of gotten used to the first two shockers. I was so relieved when he told me that I was done.
I walked out of the hospital acting casual because I felt like I had just survived a landslide. The pride took away my pain on the car ride home.
In the end I had gotten three staples in the middle of my scalp. It was pretty boring for the rest of the trip because I wasn't allowed to swim. But it was pretty cool because I got a lot of attention at school. But there is a saying that "chicks dig scars."
10 comments:
The content of your story is amazing. But you should not have been involved in such brouhaha. I like how you used the flashback technique.
The tone is really nice, and I didn't see many mechanical mistakes. Your conclusion really sums it up.
Chicks do not dig scars.
Very nice job. It makes me want to change mine......Alright I changed it thanks to you. Anyway The content was great, the ending was a little strange. SOOOOOOO descriptive Morgan. Great job.
I also noticed that you used the flash back technique. Good sentence variety.
great and interesting story, morgan. gross pictures though. your final draft will come out one of the bests
the content was interesting.
the stlye was flowing and the sentence structure the way it should be. i like that u used the flashback technique. i laughed at your brouhaha
whatever that is. gross scar chicks don't dig it i almost never mind
I think you might consider adding more dialog. Try it when you go to the hospital. the dialog helped me feel the emotions you were going through in the beginning.
Your description of the heat in Arizona was very well done.
also, structure you dialog in the correct way.
your ending has potential, but needs work.
Morgan,the strength of this piece is about your bruise. Thats cool. I think the style is cool. The sentences look good but watch your run ons. One thing you need to keep is the ending that cracked me up.
Good job and I like the way you slowed down the part where you are jumping and the part where you are getting staples. I didn't see too many spelling mistake but there are a few.(not enough to make it bad though) I think it is pretty good. (But that is what comes out of brouhaha)
Morgan,
I like you word choice and you can tell in the beginning. You could clarify this part, "Uh, Morgan your head is bleeding," he said peering at the top of my head trying to see if he can get a good look. "Christine, I think Morgan has to go to the emergency room," my dad yelled to my mom...." It is jumping from one thing to another without anything to tell the reader. YOu also have several typos.
I like that your tone is casual and I think that is with your style. I think you could also try having some shortener sentences. I also like you use of quotations.
I would be proud of your description but I would want to work on your time changes and making them more clear.
You should add some more gesture and dialog and should also fix typos.
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